Um so the world came to an end in wooster... huge storm thursday evening knocked power out essentially everywhere but walmart (probably will be out till tuesday). Adam and Carli had gone to Canada for gay-pride weekendish stuff, and I couldn't go cause I had to work... so then when the apocalypse came, the prospect of being alone in the house all weekend, not being able to work, with no power seemed really daunting, so I got in the car and decided to drive home. I think making a decision in 5 min to drive 7 hours (at night) is possibly one of the most impulsive things I've ever done.
But it's turned out to be really nice... I didn't tell anyone but my mom that I was coming, so I didn't have to see anyone I didn't want to. Also I got the first really good amount of sleep that I've had since I went back to wooster. I think I just needed a few calm, sober days, where there wasn't anything I needed to do or should do or whatever, to get my shit together.

SO
I'm no longer a teenager anymore. That's really strange to me. But possibly, since my birthday will have passed, my age will no longer be brought up in the bar every night. Somehow I doubt it though, cause I'm definitelystill the baby.
I finish moving in with adam today. By finish I mean actually remove all of my stuff from my dorm, and stop paying for it. I've been moved in for a long ass time now.
I don't think I'll end up staying home very long after I finish my research. My life here is kind of too much fun. Where else will I go to the bar, come home and play Trivial Pursuittill dawn atleast 3 nights a week, and then go to work at 5:30 am? And this brings me to the real reason for the entry. Carli missed a question the other night, it had to do with half heart necklacesand a corpse, the answer was Laura Palmer. This is shameful, and everyone should chastise her for it... especially you, Noah.

I've been in a really strange mood today. Happy, sad, despondent. You know those days where you sleep in and then go hours and hours without seeing anyone. Its incredibly quite. No one answers the phone. On these days, I can't help but imagine that I'm all alone, that something has happened and I'm the only one left. It's so strange being here without the regullar cast of characters. I miss everyone.
I'm so torn between wanting to be alone, and feeling like I've had solitude forced upon me. I'm going a little nuts. I know I'll get a call in a few minutes, but I need to hang out with straight, single boys, and maybe some girls my age. I've been dubbed "babby claire," it's been a while since I was in that situation. I pretty much always feel like a child, but I feel like most people don't see me that way, or atleast they don't treat me like a child. I guess that's a good thing, but at the same time, I feel like I am a child. Shit I'm 19, and somewhat socially retarded. I've got to grow up some in the next 21 days. I don't want to be a socially retarded 20 year old.
I want to go to a concert and get drunk and make out with a random boy. I want to smoke and do something questionable. I miss everyone. I need a partner in crime.
I need to get dressed so I can leave the room, go get drunk and watch a movie.

My body has gotten used to getting up at 7am... that's disgusting. I was kinda planing to sleep all day.
I've been working rediculous hours (7:00 am to 7:00 pm on tues) but it's been fun. It's kinda crazy that I'm getting paid to hold bluebirds and tree swallows, sit in my car and listen to music, and play with farm dogs. The baby bluebirds are silly looking, they have big dumb mouths. It's fantastic.
I'm trying to figure out how to balance hanging out and getting up at the ass crack of dawn for work. Thus far I definetly haven't got it. I've been stupid tired. I sprained my hand chasing my shoe down a fucking river in the street during the tornado outside CW's on thursday.The, I slept through half of X-men on opening night :/ But it's the weekend and I've got my car :) so I should finally just be able to play.

Ugh I miss you guys!
I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW!
In my purdy new car.
Hell-fuckin-yeah! I'll be getting out of the land of weirdness with old friends and feeling like a tool when I smoke and officious step-grandparents. I will get to be alone, and read!!!
asjdfhladsjfjdasfhlkdashfas

PS. wooster will seem much less exiciting in a few weeks, puhlease come and visit me :)

I fell asleep at a friends, and woke up and couldn't figure out where the hell I was. Things just don't feel right here. I want to be alone, but I'm bored when I am. All I do is sleep.
I want to sit and watch the OC and drink a 40 and have no pants time. I want the ridiculous drama. I want to smoke cigarettes and scream the words to some shitty song, all off key. I want to see you guys do that damn dance. I want to drink and talk about philosophy and write papers. I want everyplace I want to go, and everyone I want to see to be in walking distance. I want to drive around rural ohio and think about leaving, but never actually do it.
I want it to be the same when we go home, but I know it wont be. Too many people will be gone, and others will have changed. I hope that we don't grow apart, but I know that someday we will. There's no continuity in this.
And now I'm listening to a mix I made for one of you, and getting all emo bitchy...

Its a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

And you read your emily dickinson,
And I my robert frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what weve lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
Can analysis be worthwhile?
Is the theater really dead?
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
Youre a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

So I'm in the library working on a final paper, and this being the library, I shouldn't verbally ask anyone this. I know that at this point I should really be worrying about other things, but I suspect that people are checking their friends pages and procrastinating, as well.
I've got this question that's nagging me, I missed the afterschool special on this one....

If you found several ciggarettes on the ground, would you smoke them?

Things to consider:
1) This is not one, but three cigs.
2) These are legit cigs, Parliements, not hand-rolled nonsense.
3) These cigs, were not in a box, but lying by a bench.
4) The bench was infront of the library, not a crack house.
5) They look to be in mint condition.
6) I am broke, and an addict.

Verdict?

Holy shit, what have I been doing...
I just had this horrifying reappraisal of my life. It's not something I didn't know. I know that we fucked up. We fucked up a lot. On a regular basis, and we're still doing it.
I just watched KIDS, and I feel stupid that it effected me that much. I feel like it's the cool thing to say. Like, 'wow what a fucked up movie.' But it wasn't because it was I was shocked that those things happen. It's because it wasn't that shocking. It was familiar.
I don't know that I've really realised before quite how fucked up the things we've done were. I don't think everyone else was that way. The only thing that has kept me from being entirely that fucked up is what I've often considered an unhealthy apprehension, and some damn good luck. The thing is that we weren't poor, we didn't have absentee parents, we weren't uneducated, we knew what we were doing and we knew the risks.
The party scenes were so reminiscent of highschool, of parties I went to over christmas, of this fucking house. Fuck, we did the drugs, they had the sex. I don't really know when things stopped being innocent and normal exploration. We all laugh this shit off when nothing seriously bad happens. We make light of it to excuse our actions, but that excuse makes it ok. It lets us do it again and again out of some self-righteous naivete. We say we're always safe, but putting yourself in situations where you could easily be taken advantage of isn't safe. One day the luck is going to run out.
But I'll probably do it again, cause I feel cool when I'm with my friends, and I'm doing it.
I'm not a bad ass, I'm a fuck up. It isn't cool, it's stupid, and it's scary.

Oh, my ears are ringing... but in that good aquired way.
We look fabulous tonight. I was very KD Lang, the Moms woulda been proud. People I wanted to come didn't, but that's OK.
I wore my Mom's tie from college. I remember when she gave it to me before I left for school. I called her tonigth and we had a good talk. I'm so lucky to have the relationship that I do with her. I only hope that my kids and I will be half as good of friends as we are. That's weird, I know, but whatever.
I have to get up for breakfast with Margo at 10 tomorrow, so that we can get some work done. And my freakin grandparent are coming.
I'm kinda fuckin up. I didn't do any work on this fifteen page paper today, or ever really. I wish I had my shit togeather like I used to. I don't know why I still get these research positions, and such, I feel like I don't deserve it, the way I act. I've suceeded in pulling myself out of the fucking gutter mentally, let's hope I can do it academically.
I hope that people don't see me and think, what the fuck is she doing... Cause I see friends doing it, and it just breaks my heart. I want to help but the way that things are I can't. I suppose I never meant that much to anyone (who is still paying attention) here.
I sound so depressed, but I'm really doing better than I have been since october. I just hope I haven't really fucked myself this time.

Despite best laid plans, I was still up till 3 yesterday writing the fucking book report, but it wasn't so bad. I'm really glad to be done now.
I found out that my Biomedical Ethics paper is due on wed not mon, so I'm infinitely less stressed out. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I'm writing about the representation of AIDS in film from the early 90s.
So yesterday I went to see Tristan Teramino, a porn director, talk about sexuality. It was really very cool. The turnout and responce also makes me think that my program of sex-ed through porn and speakers would really work. I've really slacked off on it since my grant got waitlisted, but I'm gonna work really hard on getting the funding and such over the summer. Mere got her email, so I think I will try and get her help. I have to actually schedual those meetings with the wellness center and the admin, I hope they don't remember that I never really followed up on them.
Anyways, I'm gonna rock the research thing now, so that I will be ready for OC and Porn night! Now that,my friends, is the American dream!!!