I'm a gasoline gut with a vaseoline mind

Whim

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 22:51:28 GMT

Um so the world came to an end in wooster... huge storm thursday evening knocked power out essentially everywhere but walmart (probably will be out till tuesday). Adam and Carli had gone to Canada for gay-pride weekendish stuff, and I couldn't go cause I had to work... so then when the apocalypse came, the prospect of being alone in the house all weekend, not being able to work, with no power seemed really daunting, so I got in the car and decided to drive home. I think making a decision in 5 min to drive 7 hours (at night) is possibly one of the most impulsive things I've ever done.
But it's turned out to be really nice... I didn't tell anyone but my mom that I was coming, so I didn't have to see anyone I didn't want to. Also I got the first really good amount of sleep that I've had since I went back to wooster. I think I just needed a few calm, sober days, where there wasn't anything I needed to do or should do or whatever, to get my shit together.

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 15:59:19 GMT

SO
I'm no longer a teenager anymore. That's really strange to me. But possibly, since my birthday will have passed, my age will no longer be brought up in the bar every night. Somehow I doubt it though, cause I'm definitelystill the baby.
I finish moving in with adam today. By finish I mean actually remove all of my stuff from my dorm, and stop paying for it. I've been moved in for a long ass time now.
I don't think I'll end up staying home very long after I finish my research. My life here is kind of too much fun. Where else will I go to the bar, come home and play Trivial Pursuittill dawn atleast 3 nights a week, and then go to work at 5:30 am? And this brings me to the real reason for the entry. Carli missed a question the other night, it had to do with half heart necklacesand a corpse, the answer was Laura Palmer. This is shameful, and everyone should chastise her for it... especially you, Noah.

Sun, 28 May 2006 04:18:13 GMT

I've been in a really strange mood today. Happy, sad, despondent. You know those days where you sleep in and then go hours and hours without seeing anyone. Its incredibly quite. No one answers the phone. On these days, I can't help but imagine that I'm all alone, that something has happened and I'm the only one left. It's so strange being here without the regullar cast of characters. I miss everyone.
I'm so torn between wanting to be alone, and feeling like I've had solitude forced upon me. I'm going a little nuts. I know I'll get a call in a few minutes, but I need to hang out with straight, single boys, and maybe some girls my age. I've been dubbed "babby claire," it's been a while since I was in that situation. I pretty much always feel like a child, but I feel like most people don't see me that way, or atleast they don't treat me like a child. I guess that's a good thing, but at the same time, I feel like I am a child. Shit I'm 19, and somewhat socially retarded. I've got to grow up some in the next 21 days. I don't want to be a socially retarded 20 year old.
I want to go to a concert and get drunk and make out with a random boy. I want to smoke and do something questionable. I miss everyone. I need a partner in crime.
I need to get dressed so I can leave the room, go get drunk and watch a movie.

I can't believe they're paying me for this.

Sat, 27 May 2006 11:37:47 GMT

My body has gotten used to getting up at 7am... that's disgusting. I was kinda planing to sleep all day.
I've been working rediculous hours (7:00 am to 7:00 pm on tues) but it's been fun. It's kinda crazy that I'm getting paid to hold bluebirds and tree swallows, sit in my car and listen to music, and play with farm dogs. The baby bluebirds are silly looking, they have big dumb mouths. It's fantastic.
I'm trying to figure out how to balance hanging out and getting up at the ass crack of dawn for work. Thus far I definetly haven't got it. I've been stupid tired. I sprained my hand chasing my shoe down a fucking river in the street during the tornado outside CW's on thursday.The, I slept through half of X-men on opening night :/ But it's the weekend and I've got my car :) so I should finally just be able to play.

Homeward bound

Mon, 22 May 2006 01:38:00 GMT

Ugh I miss you guys!
I'M GOING HOME TOMORROW!
In my purdy new car.
Hell-fuckin-yeah! I'll be getting out of the land of weirdness with old friends and feeling like a tool when I smoke and officious step-grandparents. I will get to be alone, and read!!!
asjdfhladsjfjdasfhlkdashfas

PS. wooster will seem much less exiciting in a few weeks, puhlease come and visit me :)

Don't think twice, It's alright

Wed, 17 May 2006 00:24:27 GMT

I fell asleep at a friends, and woke up and couldn't figure out where the hell I was. Things just don't feel right here. I want to be alone, but I'm bored when I am. All I do is sleep.
I want to sit and watch the OC and drink a 40 and have no pants time. I want the ridiculous drama. I want to smoke cigarettes and scream the words to some shitty song, all off key. I want to see you guys do that damn dance. I want to drink and talk about philosophy and write papers. I want everyplace I want to go, and everyone I want to see to be in walking distance. I want to drive around rural ohio and think about leaving, but never actually do it.
I want it to be the same when we go home, but I know it wont be. Too many people will be gone, and others will have changed. I hope that we don't grow apart, but I know that someday we will. There's no continuity in this.
And now I'm listening to a mix I made for one of you, and getting all emo bitchy...

Its a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

And you read your emily dickinson,
And I my robert frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what weve lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
Can analysis be worthwhile?
Is the theater really dead?
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
Youre a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

today's dilema...

Tue, 09 May 2006 02:43:39 GMT

So I'm in the library working on a final paper, and this being the library, I shouldn't verbally ask anyone this. I know that at this point I should really be worrying about other things, but I suspect that people are checking their friends pages and procrastinating, as well.
I've got this question that's nagging me, I missed the afterschool special on this one....

If you found several ciggarettes on the ground, would you smoke them?

Things to consider:
1) This is not one, but three cigs.
2) These are legit cigs, Parliements, not hand-rolled nonsense.
3) These cigs, were not in a box, but lying by a bench.
4) The bench was infront of the library, not a crack house.
5) They look to be in mint condition.
6) I am broke, and an addict.

Verdict?

KIDS

Mon, 01 May 2006 08:11:34 GMT

Holy shit, what have I been doing...
I just had this horrifying reappraisal of my life. It's not something I didn't know. I know that we fucked up. We fucked up a lot. On a regular basis, and we're still doing it.
I just watched KIDS, and I feel stupid that it effected me that much. I feel like it's the cool thing to say. Like, 'wow what a fucked up movie.' But it wasn't because it was I was shocked that those things happen. It's because it wasn't that shocking. It was familiar.
I don't know that I've really realised before quite how fucked up the things we've done were. I don't think everyone else was that way. The only thing that has kept me from being entirely that fucked up is what I've often considered an unhealthy apprehension, and some damn good luck. The thing is that we weren't poor, we didn't have absentee parents, we weren't uneducated, we knew what we were doing and we knew the risks.
The party scenes were so reminiscent of highschool, of parties I went to over christmas, of this fucking house. Fuck, we did the drugs, they had the sex. I don't really know when things stopped being innocent and normal exploration. We all laugh this shit off when nothing seriously bad happens. We make light of it to excuse our actions, but that excuse makes it ok. It lets us do it again and again out of some self-righteous naivete. We say we're always safe, but putting yourself in situations where you could easily be taken advantage of isn't safe. One day the luck is going to run out.
But I'll probably do it again, cause I feel cool when I'm with my friends, and I'm doing it.
I'm not a bad ass, I'm a fuck up. It isn't cool, it's stupid, and it's scary.

I am trying to break you heart

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 06:31:08 GMT

Oh, my ears are ringing... but in that good aquired way.
We look fabulous tonight. I was very KD Lang, the Moms woulda been proud. People I wanted to come didn't, but that's OK.
I wore my Mom's tie from college. I remember when she gave it to me before I left for school. I called her tonigth and we had a good talk. I'm so lucky to have the relationship that I do with her. I only hope that my kids and I will be half as good of friends as we are. That's weird, I know, but whatever.
I have to get up for breakfast with Margo at 10 tomorrow, so that we can get some work done. And my freakin grandparent are coming.
I'm kinda fuckin up. I didn't do any work on this fifteen page paper today, or ever really. I wish I had my shit togeather like I used to. I don't know why I still get these research positions, and such, I feel like I don't deserve it, the way I act. I've suceeded in pulling myself out of the fucking gutter mentally, let's hope I can do it academically.
I hope that people don't see me and think, what the fuck is she doing... Cause I see friends doing it, and it just breaks my heart. I want to help but the way that things are I can't. I suppose I never meant that much to anyone (who is still paying attention) here.
I sound so depressed, but I'm really doing better than I have been since october. I just hope I haven't really fucked myself this time.

Repent sinner, for the end is nigh!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 16:49:26 GMT

Despite best laid plans, I was still up till 3 yesterday writing the fucking book report, but it wasn't so bad. I'm really glad to be done now.
I found out that my Biomedical Ethics paper is due on wed not mon, so I'm infinitely less stressed out. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I'm writing about the representation of AIDS in film from the early 90s.
So yesterday I went to see Tristan Teramino, a porn director, talk about sexuality. It was really very cool. The turnout and responce also makes me think that my program of sex-ed through porn and speakers would really work. I've really slacked off on it since my grant got waitlisted, but I'm gonna work really hard on getting the funding and such over the summer. Mere got her email, so I think I will try and get her help. I have to actually schedual those meetings with the wellness center and the admin, I hope they don't remember that I never really followed up on them.
Anyways, I'm gonna rock the research thing now, so that I will be ready for OC and Porn night! Now that,my friends, is the American dream!!!

Oh avoiding work!

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 16:34:42 GMT

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense. You'll be surprised though.
NO CHEATING!

How am I feeling today?
Highway 51

Will I get far in life?
All I Really Want

How do my friends see me?
Can't Get Enough

Where will I get married?
Wonderwall

What is my best friend's theme song?
Just Like A Pill

What is the story of my life?
Memory Lame

What was high school like?
You Never Can Tell

How can I get ahead in life?
At The Zoo

What is the best thing about me?
Phanta

What is today going to be like?
Hey, Want To Party?

What is in store for this weekend?
Boys Better

What song describes my parent(s)?
Miles Runs The Voodoo Down

(It would have been really great if I Kissed A Girl came up. No such luck... Maybe this speaks to the mind games )

To describe my grandparents?
Look Through My Window

How is my life going?
The Boy With the Arhab Strap

What song will they play at my funeral?
One Chance

How does the world see me?
Life Likes Weeds

Will I have a happy life?
She's Not There

(Good god! Even my computer thinks I'm a closeted lesbian!)

What do my friends really think of me?
Blue Orchid

Do people secretly lust after me?
Needle In the Hay

How can I make myself happy?
Hello, I Love You

What should I do with my life?
Take the Money and Run

Will I ever have children?
Witch's Egg

(That's right I'm evil, and my Kids will be, too!)

Plan for sucess (ie. plan for not being a failure!)

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 05:23:13 GMT

Today I read the entire book for my book report (wtf I know) a whole 4 days before the thing is due! It's really amazing how accomplished it makes you feel when you do all that work you cold have been doing since january at one time! I would have never felt like such a champ if I had done this in a reasonable fashion.
Tomorrow I will write the paper, and then I will devote wed-sun to writing the 15 pg paper on AIDS in film that I haven't done shit for. Maybe, I will feel accomplished then, too. Hope so.
On another note, I will have enough money to buy cigs and medication tomorrow! Clearly, I have to manage my cash better (like not do fun things, concerts etc) so that I can continue to get my nic-fix on a regular schedule.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:24:17 GMT

I can't believe that I will be halfway through college in two weeks. The begining of this year seems like it was yesterday, and a million years ago.
I miss my mom. I usually don't miss her, cause I talk to her so much. But today I just wanted to hang out with her and do errands, or watch a movie with her, my kitty and bird. I just want a hug from her. I'm in a really sttrange mood right now. PMSing I think. This is like how I would only cry when I got hurt or sick when I was in the office at school talking to my mom on the phone.
I can't believe I only get to go home for a week. I would probably be freaking out more if I had to spend the whole summer at home.

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 20:59:42 GMT

I've felt really good lately. I've been having fun, and avoiding bullshit that would only upset me. Ironically, that bullshit just fades away when you refuse to be upset by it. I feell like I've finally gotten back to that selfconfdent/optimistic place I was at in August and September.
Everyone seems to be in a funk lately. Drifting aimlessly and feeling anxious without knowing why. It's kind of depressing. I wish I could just hug everyone and make them feel better, and tell them that everything will be ok. But that might be like the blind leading the blind. Just because I feel good this week doesn't mean that I can honestly tell them that. But I really feel like it will be ok, and I always feel that way about them.
I feel good, but I'm gonna be 20 in a month and a half, and that still terrifies me. Everyone else can't wait till they're older, and I couldn't wait either, but there is so much stuff I feel like I missed out on when I was wishing that I was older. There is so much that I still feel like I need to do while I'm still a teenager. Maybe I can keep this good feeling up until june, and let myself do all that stuff. What a novel idea :)\
I'm gonna go out now, and play, and be happy.

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 00:35:17 GMT

wow, smoking a quiet cig in the warm spring sunset... amazing :)

oh ya, and happy easter

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 22:20:09 GMT

Oh what a weekend...
country kitchen with margo and evan! got all my classes. drunk relay, good time at the UG (i known!) withe the crazy-new wave-matching vinyl pants- splits doing- too much axe- should do something else if he wants groupies that bad-band. Lazy saturday, caught up on my sleep. Movie with the girls. Party at monyer, where there was a dj, from out of town, and I later danced upstairs to both Mr. Brightside and Lisa Loeb, and watched una try to give james a hickey, a few times, so that he wouldn't get any pussy. Amazing game at wesleyan (told margo that jesus was probably too busy for her prayers, what with rising from the dead and all). Steak and Shake (doesn't have lime freezes anymore!!!). And now it's time fore some homework and law and order... maybe a nap :)

AHHH Lumberjack is coming!!!

I've got a date with the night!

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 18:17:32 GMT

It has been over 12 hours, and my heart is still racing! I just looked at sasha's pics and got all jittery!
http://thunderbat.livejournal.com/46666.html

Karen was amazing, Nick was amazing,my friends were amazing.
They played everything I wanted to hear:
Y Control
Art Star
Gold Lion
Date with the Night
Maps (I couldn't summon tear like Alana and I had planned. I was just to excited. But we did get some good power hands in there :). It also reminded me so much of my senior year, that I had to call everyone after the show and remind them that I loved them.)
and ended with Modern Romance (like Alana said, "what else could they have really ended with?")

I haven't danced like that in ages! My whole body hurts. To bad I need the liquid courage to let go like that, but I'm glad that I can.
Noah kept trying to feed our drinks to everyone around us. Some girl looked soulfully into Alana's eyes and started to go in for a kiss, but then coyly pulled away. Thuroughly suprising all of us. I will remember that forever.
I left the show with an enormous feeling of well being, love in my heat, ringing in my ears, mascara on my face (which wasn't heroin chic, as I was being assured), scotch in my stomach, beer in my hair, lipstick (whose?) on my shoulder, and blood on my arm (mine).

uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, woo!

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 07:33:25 GMT

Just let it be YEAH YEAH YEAH!
NO words will describe how fucking AMAZING that was! So I wont try right now... atleast in this state, accept to say Karen O is a fox, and kinda my idol.

But, I was sitting outside, having a cig with Dan and Co. when I got home, and this guy says
"Hey got any herb?"
"No" I say.
he replies, "God DAMN! Cause I would suck some dick for some right now! I would go down on a law-man for some weed!'
One of the most bizzare, funniest things I have heard.

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 07:29:44 GMT

Today ended well for starting so poorly.
Room draw # 11... I may end up with some random ass roommate, but i'll have a sweet ass room even a sweet ass suite!
Saw margo's dance, very nice deary!
Went to adam's, ug, dan's, noah's, dino's, noah's...
Somewhere there in: got tipsy, high, wendy's, tired.

Question of the night: do you like to be objectified?
... so far the consensus is yes, to an extent (me, noah, dan, adam, kory). Actually, I don't think anyone said no...

Dear God... I mean LJ... It's me, Claire.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 04:42:06 GMT

Dear God... I mean LJ,
It's me, Claire.
If you help me get through tonight, I will do my damnedest to not leave things to the last minute, ever again. No matter how much I may hate the author of my book (and I really hate Leon Kass!). Additionally, I will make art all this weekend, and try to figure out why my lamp smells funny when it's on.
Thank you LJ, for sending me prescription meds, caffeine, and cigarettes to help me stay awake. No matter what the other kids say, I know, deep down in my proverbial soul, that you're really real!
Love ALWAYS,
Claire Elizabeth

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 09:45:16 GMT

oooooooh good day!
pierced
margo, dupis
flashy star nipples (even with the crazy bruises left by duct tape)
seein people I havent seen in forever (in very litte "anything but cloth[ing]")
innumerable cigarettes
classily drunk

P.S.
Dear LJ,
I kinda hate you. You let people know all about you, without having to talk to you, and you allow us to bitch as if no one were listening, but people are listening, and no one wants to hear you bitch.
You are make transparent, bitchy emo fucks.

lost in translation

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 19:40:35 GMT

Last night, my roommate received a profession of love from one of her admirers, via internet.
The profession was in the form of a song, in spanish.
After several minutes trying to translate it, we realized that neither of our spanish was worth a damn.
So we resorted to our tried and true friend, babble-fish.
This is what it said:

I am strange to you
As you hoist them surprise the autumn
In those nights that I do not conciliate the dream you do not imagine love, like I am strange to you.
I am strange to you in each step that I feel solitaire
Every moment that I am living to newspaper I am dying love because I am strange to you

what a day for a daydream...

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 20:22:29 GMT

It's gorgeous out!
I'm wearing the skirt I made yesterday.
(I got to use a repeating pipet in lab... cool to me, maybe not to you. They're expensive, and super cool!)
It's wooster-wed.

I love today :)

Talking to myself...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 19:56:01 GMT

How would things be different if I stopped caring about the past and things I can't control? About my dad making me not trust guys, my mom stealing my rebellion, and my general self doubt. (Is that apprehension wholly unfounded?) They all seem to have it figured out for me though. They all want me to join their clubs. And I want something of my own. I don't want to be dragged down. I don't want "well we always kind of thought maybe. It makes sense." It does not make sense. I want to do something they didn't expect. Clearly, this means that I should fuck a republican, drop out of school, and pick up a nice heroin addiction.

My confusion is tired.

I should just surprise myself... it would be easy in theory. I would just have to act on, you know, anything I want for myself. So what if I do it for the "wrong" reasons, it isn't a good story, it's not exactly how I wanted things to go down, or I get hurt.
Someone told me that if I want something that I need to do it for myself. Now at the time I resented this, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I think it might have had some truth in it. I've got problems separating what was real there, from all the other shit. A lot of it made sense and seemed genuine, and made me feel better about myself than I've ever really felt. I just can't help but question all of it because of how it ended. It really threw me off, and left me worse off than I was to begin with. (Maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.) But I think that I did. I hope that I did. And I hope that you knew me, and what you said was true. I how you saw me in the beginning.

(This is no declaration. I just thought I'd let you know...) In the end, I can't blame anyone or anything but myself. And blame may not be necessary. How can you just be yourself when you don't know who you are? And I certainly don't know what I want, not specifically at least. Maybe it's ok to be confused. Maybe that's how you figure things out. (Would that ethan hawke could have been the one to tell me that.) I'm not upset about any of this, though it may sound that way. I'm happy... I get it.
Huh, maybe I did figure myself out a little bit.

Hahaha, look at me! I'm an introspective college student and I have a live journal! How cliche!

I saw a hawk hunt pigeons today!

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 01:15:14 GMT

Some higher power (fate, god, whatever) does not want me to read these books for biomed ethics.
This is how I know:
1) I didn't read them all semester... too busy being a stress ball/playing.
2) Haven't read them over break yet... too busy sleeping/being lazy/sick.
3) Tried (again) to read them today, to no avail:
a) Sitting outside the West Wing of the National Gallery, making progress, hit by the sprinkler and drenched.
b) Tried to go inside National Gallery to work, and couldn't bring my bag in (who can work with the DADA show there anyways?).
c) Sitting outside the East Wing of the National Gallery, again making progress, and a hawk lands right above me. This of course was the biggest distraction yet. I watched it hunt pigeons for 15 min (super fucking awesome). Then I was to excited too work.
d) came home, reading in the bath (only 40 pages left!) my mom calls me to come get her from work, and made me run a gillion errands with her.
Conclusion: Just like these fucking books, I have provided more examples than were needed to prove my point!
See it's irritating, isn't it?